Dear Reader

Encouraged to be curious

As a child, I soon learned not to ask too many questions. But I never stopped 'wanting to know' stuff.

When I became a mother at a very young age, I was glad when my little ones started with the endless "Why - but WHY?" questions. I was never afraid to say, "I don't know" because we could see if we could find out the answers together.

I learned about spiders, clouds, lightning, animals, toys - all because of the children's questions.

Why ask questions?

When I was at university as a mature student, sometimes I seemed to be the only person asking questions. One time, in a tutorial session I was intimidated by the sniggers of some of my classmates when I asked yet another question.

To my everlasting gratitude, our tutor told our group:

"It's better to look a fool for asking a question, than being a fool for not." I realised that that was me - I didn't mind that I looked a fool to others if I was getting my curiousity satisfied.

And there was a spinoff benefit. My classmates soon gathered round me and assured me they liked my questions, questions they themselves had but were too shy to ask. So the questions and answers benefitted us all.

More benefits of being curious.

Tony Robbins has said that the quality of your life is determined by the quality of the questions you ask.

Little children show us the truth in that statement. We are blessed in that our closest neighbours have two young children. "Where are you going?" the oldest, Zaia, asks as we walk out of our driveway.

"To the gym," I reply.

"Why?" he asks. I laugh and tell him. His dad is embarrased by the questions. I'm grateful to hear them, to feel his curiosity, to know he is growing up in a way that will make him a compassionate and interesting adult.

He often comes over when Neil is in the garden. "What're you doing?" "Can I help?" He especially loves helping stack the wood. We love it that he takes a few pieces home for his family's outdoor firepit.

He's also keen on foraging, asking about the plants, which ones can he eat.

We had some bushes that have enticing blue berries - poisonous berries. Seeing his avid curiosity led us to remove them all. We'd rather sacrifice the bushes than have Zaia affected.

We grow white alpine strawberries. I say 'we grow' but in reality, they are the fruit of birds dropping the seeds which grow in the our front gardens. We share those strawberries with Zaia who knows that's the only fruit he's allowed to pick in our garden.

Now my curiosity is piqued - I want to watch him grow, to see where his curiosity leads him through the years.

And what about me? Where has my curiosity lead me?

To many places. Here's just a few.

There's a long story of how debilitating my fears of drowning and of heights have been. My fears finally led me to explore ways of overcoming them - so I could live a 'normal' life, full of the adventures I craved. So I started to ask "What if..." questions. What if I did ... I'd day dream about doing the things I was scared of, imagining different outcomes. "What's the worst thing that could happen?" someone asked me. Face that, I was advised, and you'll see that even the worst thing won't be that bad. And what if, just what if, it turned out to be fine?

Little did I know it was this questioning that held the key to overcoming these fears. I shake my head in wonder as I write these words. I've done things few others in my circle have done (or admit that they would ever do).

The first thing I did for the height fear was to join a friend on a hot air balloon ride. Fear soon subsided in the peace of floating over the Hamilton landscape. Over the lake, over treetops and rooftops towards the river where we seemed to float down to almost touch the water. Pure magic. Blissful awakening to a whole new way of seeing the world.

Next I joined a group of friends in a climb of the Auckland Harbour Bridge. We were led along custom engineered walkways to the top of the bridge. Here's a photo at the top. The 360 degree view is spectacular. Fears disappeared in the exhileration of reaching the summit.

My youngest daughter, Suraya, and I trekked up Mount Ruapehu to Crater Lake. We took the chairlift up to our starting point, high on the mountain. From there it was a tough walk to the crater, made all the harder by knowing it was snowy at the top. Our walk took us across the mountain shrouded in fog to the edge of the crater, walking in snow. At the end of our visit to the crater, we slid down the side of the snow clad mountain to the valley below and walked back to our starting point. Fun, nervousness (not always fear), and exhileration again at having achieved something that made the fears subside a bit more.

Finally, ziplining is another of these activities that helped overcome the fears. That initial jump into the void was horrifically scary! It's the fear of the unknown I think. Once I'd experienced it, it was an easy step to move to a more challenging zipline. Now it's an activity I continue to enjoy and challenge myself with by participating in longer and higher ziplines.

Those are just a few highlights of my "fear-of-heights" dispelling activities. I'm amazed at what I did. I'm amazed that I'm so brave! And I laugh at that statement, because the motivation wasn't courage. The motivation was sickness - I was sick to death of being afraid. I had to do something so I could live with healthy fears, not debilitating ones.

So what of my fear of drowning?

When I was eight-years-old I had an experience that made me determined that "one day I would swim among the fishes".

And at a point in my life when I needed to do something to prove I wasn't just a waste of space, I decided it was time to swim with those fishes.

I lied on my application to do a scuba diving course. I said I could swim. I could dog paddle. I could float. Swim? Not at all.

I'm sure it soon became evident to the instructors I couldn't swim. But, bless them, they let me stay in the group, mentoring, teaching and helping me in the dive pool at the local municipal pools, to the deep sea diving experiences. I got my certificate and feel so proud of that.

Living near the longest river in New Zealand, the mighty Waikato River, was an invitation to kayak. Again, a course on how to escape from the kayak if it turned over was important.

Another thing I did to help overcome the fear of drowning was join the dragon boat team at my place of work. The competitions required mixed gender teams, otherwise I would never have been invited to join, I'm sure. I stayed with the dragon boat team right throughout the competition, going to the finals in Wellington. We didn't place in the finals, and I'm sure I didn't let them down too much in my contribution.

How do I know the fears are gone?

Fear of Heights:

I was planning consultant for a chap who wanted to recommission a disused power station. My investigations took me on a site visit where I requested the caretaker take me up to a platform overlooking the site and surrounding terrain. The adjacent land consists of the Whangamarino Wetland, an internationally significant Ramsar site and is protected by the Department of Conservation.

The steps and the platform are both constructed of open weave steel fabric - meaning I could see the ground through the steps and the platform.

After being on the platform for a few moments, the caretaker surprised me with: "You are the first woman I've brought up here who isn't afraid of heights."

I was amazed and surprised to see he was right - I was not afraid.

Fear of Drowning

That dragon boat competition was the clincher for me in knowing I'd lost my fear of drowning.

We were coming back from our last race to the Basin, where we would moor the boat. An adult shark was swimming about fifteen metres from the boat and parallel with where I was seated. I couldn't take my eyes off this gorgeous creature. There was a bond between us - mutual admiration and respect. I kept thinking: "You're beautiful!" And when we got the boat moored and disembarked so many of my teammates were fearful of the shark that had followed us all the way. And I realised that this encounter was my last affirmation that my fear of drowning was all gone.

And what's the key to overcoming fears of this magnitude?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing! It gives us time to analyse and reach conclusions about events in the past and inform the future.

For me, success in overcoming these fears was mostly because I was led by experts. As scary as the trek in the snow and fog was, I knew our leader was trained well and trusted by the company who hired him to lead us safely. I trod in his footsteps. I was safe. The ziplining guides, their equipment, the lines and platforms are all constructed well. Going with a reputable company is important.

I'm not concerned any more about whether I can overcome fears that may arise in the future. I still have some adventures I want to experience - sky diving, more challenging zip lines, even cruising in Fiordland could be challenging.

One thing I know, if I don't get to do any of these, I'll still be thrilled to have overcome that debilitating fear that left me powerless in the past.

I'm careful, not reckless. I have my longevity and health uppermost in my plans for more adventures.

What about you?

With love
Stephanie

Why I Write - for you and for me too.

Some stories come from lived experience, like navigating my son’s addiction and the long road of recovery. Others are shaped by imagination, like the cozy mystery I’m writing, set in a small café where trust is both tested and rebuilt. Some of my life stories still bring tears. Others make me smile. And many are filled with memories that warm my heart.

I write for anyone who’s ever carried a burden across generations, and for anyone who longs to heal forward.

My thoughts for Living Life in 2025 and beyond:

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"My religion is kindness"

Dalai Lama

“Cast your bread upon the waters and it will
come back - buttered”

Doris May Payne - my mother

"Life is a Daring Adventure or Nothing"

Helen Keller

“Write it on my heart that every day is
the best day of the year”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Remember that sometimes not getting
what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck"
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Dalai Lama

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave [person] is not [the one] who does not feel afraid, but [the one] who conquers that fear.”

Nelson Mandela

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